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Letters To Our Former Selves

by Youth Fountain

/
1.
Helpless 00:30
Here I stand, helpless again. Caught up on words that you wish you said. You gave up, I'm giving in. We'll never get back what we once had then.
2.
Where the fuck did you go? The day you left me for dead again. But did you ever think I could be different? You never gave me a chance. Wake up. I still feel like I'm sleeping, sleeping so heavy in my own thoughts. They contain words I once said to her, so overdramatic, so over-the-top. And now I can't stop reminiscing on times that I wish I could just go re-live. Because a whole year without you my dear, completely cut from my life from some stupid fight I caused. So where the fuck did I go? That day you left me for good. I guess I tried to grow stronger as our love just got weaker. I still remember the promise I made for you that day. "You’ve got to be more happy in your life" but things just aren't alright without you.
3.
Now that time has past, I can see things through. My hands untied, my heart unglued. You'll find your place, I'll find mine to. In another life, a different point of view. I wish that I could have helped you. I'm sorry that you didn't want me to. Oh, where have the months gone? Dying inside slowly day by day. This was the only way for us to make a change. So we hold our heads under water and scream that we should stay, take a deep breath as I float away. And I swear, I looked up and caught a glimpse of someone I knew. But did I make believe it? I believed it. I believed it was you. And I know we moved on, cut ties and we both grew. So why do I believe it? I believed it. I believe it was you. So many years lost because you won't admit your faults. I’m withered by your dismay. It won't just work out one day. Are you happy without me? I took comfort in solitude. That sinking feeling takes everything. It won't just work out one day.
4.
Moody 03:05
“Things just won't work out” that’s what I keep telling myself. I'll turn down any good thing that's ever offered to me. ‘Cause I know I won't deserve it. How could I deserve it? When everything I've ever done, fell short and leaves me spun, back into my crippling doubt that'll ever feel good about myself. Because nothing ever works out the way I imagined it, I just want to be out of this rut I've been stuck in for over 10 fucking years. I want to know what's wrong with me. What exactly caused this lack of human compatibility? It still makes me weak at the knees, when I think of how I still haven't found the love I've been trying so hard to reach. With all the self-deprecation I wear on my sleeve, or the cries for help that make people leave, just shows that I'm too fucking weak to keep holding on to this pathetic life I lead. What a waste I chase I've come this far. I breakaway, I break apart. If I could shake the way I made this start, would I have a change of heart?
5.
Worried 03:36
Am I afraid? They say I look lonely, a permanent face painted on me. Always struggling in my decay. Did I do something wrong? Or was it all my fault that I've been put down all my life, and lost all hope? Dont tell me again how these hardships we face are all for the best. It has to be this way. I woke up from a dream, I’m never where I want to be, and when I look in the mirror I'm not proud of what I see. Could never find any comfort in my own skin, standing on this ledge with all my selfish intentions. So sick of hearing my heart beat. Contentment comes with a sacrifice I'm not willing to make. Cause there's this part of me that hates to feel me smiling. Am I too far gone? With all the self doubt, I'm just so worried. Are you listening to my words, Am I wasting air? It's not as simple as you made it out to be, I panic and panic, poor melancholy me. I’m only an image of what I want to be, so why did I grow up to hate what I see? Just know now if I could some how I'd trade it all, trade it all. Everyday, it's all so routine, to live with all the things I fucking hate about me. Numb for so long, I'm better off gone. So scared to die, yet it's all I really want. Do you feel the shame in these words that ring true? "You never did all the things you really wanted to do." Regret every choice I've made up to this point, it's never been an option, I can't do anything right. useless to ask what this life is all for, Cause if we found out the answers, we'd still want more. I just wish I had something to live for.
6.
Complacent 03:44
No one is going to wait for me. The useless boy so lost and afraid, Now I need to numb the endless pain, ever since you left things just aren't the same. You were the pill that was stuck in my throat. Never around when I needed you most. Do we take this resentment to our unmarked graves? Bitter goodbyes, we left things in lies and mistakes that we made. Lost touch, it's been so long since we caught up. The life we left behind, has cross my mind all the time. Was it all just too much? 'Cause were losing touch, a silhouette you won't take shape to. What's worse than to say farewell to a friend in a casket they made all by themselves. I didn't want to be the nail in your heel, or the itch on your back you always feel. Your Lips move so fast, we speak of our past, forget the part where we couldn't make this last? I don't know how it got this bad. Was it wrong to leave and not forgive? But look at all the damage you did, from backhanded compliments. So please understand, I left home to find my place in life. I'm not one to think of salvation, with people like you, so complacent. I know I'll never be the one you'll miss, so I'll step back & try to erase this. It's so difficult to be honest with yourself. Leaving you with a piece of mind. It's closure that I hope to find. This broken head heard every word you said. Maybe one day I'll learn from it, all the lies and the hate you spit. And I gave it all up, to be used as just a crutch. When it rains, it pours, we had planned for so much more.
7.
Ache 01:53
There's an aching that's been holding me back well over this decade. So I'll put together the right words, you'll somehow feel the same. Fill up the page, from the heart I'll portray, as I'm running out of space. It's just the way it goes I guess, alone like me, putting your former self to rest. Put me to rest. What strength does this even prove that I have? To keep pushing on, while trying not bleed out in the bath? Like these same fucking cards that have been left in my hands, you can't choose the life you get. Wish I could be somebody else. Put me to rest.
8.
Deadlocked 03:17
Sometimes I just feel like I'm, hopelessly devoted to this depression in my head. It’s been stuck in there since I was just a kid, now I'm almost a man. Learning things about myself I wish that I never did. And I'm sick of hating this person that I've become, and I'm sick of always feeling like I'm all that I've got. I'm so tired of singing the same old songs, so tired of feeling so alone. People say you've just got to try and move on, but these concrete shoes I've been wearing are overbearing. These days, I can't stop wishing my life away. Is there anybody out there that could fix me? I hate to see my parents in me. They're the last things I ever wanted to be. But as I took up the drinking things only got worse, my inhibitions were dropped, but this sadness still hurts. There's a hole in my head and a hole in my chest, that can't be soothed by any bottle or sedative. I couldn’t fix me, you couldn’t fix me, they couldn’t fix me. I think I’m the only one that could fix me.
9.
Furlough 01:00
I'll never be heaven sent. Trapped in a state of malcontent. Convinced ourselves, we’re all born into it; to die empty in the end. Empty in the end.
10.
Lucid 01:53
Now as I near defeat, I've got to let this be. I couldn't see that light you said you saw in me. Like a child so young unaware of what's going on. Unable to grasp where I belong. These times I spend asking; “where did I go wrong?” Here I stand, helpless again. Caught up on words I wished I said. I gave up, I'm giving in. I'll never get back what I once had then. I'll resent all of the things that drag me down. Will next time be more lucid? More lucid than now. Please help me out somehow. Don’t drag me down. Please help me out somehow. More lucid than now. All they gave me was second hand, writing letters of things I can't comprehend. Here I stand, Helpless again.
11.
We've been here before, passed out on the floor. You tell me and all your friends, how you don't need me anymore... And who the fuck am I kidding? I know how this goes now. You never needed me like I needed you, so why the hell do I still wish you well? You'll never know me, like you think you do. As if it ever mattered cause after all, you don't need me anymore. Do you at least now see how much this means to me? I can't wait another day, you have left me not knowing what to do. I beg you to stay you act like you don't want to. I grind my teeth, I am losing sleep. These one way conversations Made me want to hate you... But I can't hate you. Weighted down by things you've said, I'm left staring in your eyes they're dead. How can practice make us perfect, If our perfect was nothing? And these choices I'm making, are from promises you're breaking. Looking back on those wasted years, what was I thinking? Let's bring you up to speed, this is the last you'll hear from me. Here's a note, all in hopes, you'll find my aspirations at the end of this rope. It'll make you see what this meant to me. Now you're just a witness at a tragedy. So I died all alone, just like I knew all along. That's how it always played out in my head since I was a fucked up kid. And I was holding my breath about this, so when these tired lungs just caved, I knew I'd never be something you’d miss. And deep down through this facade you see, I just couldn't be the better man you hoped I could be. Now I don't need you.
12.
Blooms 04:12
This will forever be an apology, ‘cause I know somehow, it will set me free. I can’t hold onto the self abuse, it's not your fault; I missed my chance to bloom. Everything fades away. We're going to meet the same fate. Even if you grow old or die alone, What difference will it make? I'm obsolete. So easy to replace. I won't deserve a chance at happiness living this way. Just another line about the better days, finding peace in what you had. I tell myself one day I'll reminisce and say: “Things really weren't so bad." But I can't seem to let go, so I'm the only one to blame, for my bleak view on life, left all alone in the mundane. But I know you know what it feels like kid, you once loved so much, but hate yourself for what you did. So I'll cry for help to find myself in every one else, that’s not the person you thought you'd be. It's constant heartache to face the world time after time, When you only have so much of it, I feel my life just slip by. Is this all even real? Is there something more to this? All those moments we'll miss when we're knocked back into the abyss. Would someone just give me a purpose to have? Cause my past can't be the best thing that ever happened to me. This sadness just won't stop defining me, I lost my chance to leave to a promised land, to feel whole again. Well there's nothing left to see but an empty, worthless shell of a man. And that's nothing to be proud of, I'll never know who I am. And with all those late night thoughts knowing in the back of my head, I'll never see you again. And the older that I get, the more surprised I'll be I haven't ended it all yet.

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released March 8, 2019

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Youth Fountain Vancouver, British Columbia

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